COPING
WITH STRESS
CHRISTADELPHIAN CARE GROUP
FOREWORD
Stress, it is said, is a positive
force which aids survival. It generates the impetus to convert thought into
action, to scale unclimbed mountains, to break world records or just to be in a
certain place at a certain time.
Stress is also a negative force
which threatens survival. Anxiety, strain, overwork, family and ecclesial
commitments, the pace, complexity and responsibilities of life can reduce the
effectiveness of the body's immune system and may actually cause physical
illness and pain. 'Stress-related illness' is a fairly recent addition to the
medical vocabulary and the condition it describes can be alarming.
The Christadelphian Care Group, in
co-operation with the Bournemouth Winton Ecclesia, presented a Seminar on
'Coping with Stress'. Some of the writers of the articles in this booklet spoke
at that Seminar. It became clear that their personal experience and
professional skills and wisdom should be made more widely available. Hence this
booklet. If it brings encouragement to carers and motivates those not so
burdened to offer help; if it leads the readers to value more highly the
privilege of our relationship with God and to appreciate the need for prayer
and the blessings of friendship, then it will have achieved its objectives.
Norman Fitchett
(Secretary to the Christadelphian
Care Group)
1 UNDERSTANDING STRESS
Peter Parsons
6 THE STRESS OF PARENTHOOD
Carol Lees
15 OOPING WITH STRESS AND CRISIS IN THE FAMILY
Hope Drage
21 TEENAGERS AND STRESS
Sylvia Ospina and Norman Fitchett
24 STRESS IN CARING FOR A DISABLED, ELDERLY OR INFIRM PERSON
Margaret Howarth
34 MEETING STRESS AT WORK
Ken Drage
42 TOWARDS HARMONY IN THE EOCLESIA
Don Graham
51 STRESS - SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR COPING
Derrick and Margaret Monk
All Scriptural references and
quotations are taken from the NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION
Peter Parsons
DEFINITION
Stress can be defined as a stimulus
or change in our surroundings or within ourselves of such a strength or
duration as to tax our ability to cope. Stress may be physical, such as an
injury, infection or allergy; it can be social, such as adverse living
conditions or unemployment; or it can be psychological such as grief or
conflict with other people. Social and psychological stresses differ from
physical stress in that they are influenced by our own reactions and
expectations. What is stressful to one person is not necessarily so to another.
For instance one person may be very distressed by a disagreement while the
other may relish the argument.
The essential conflict which leads
to stress and distress for the followers of Christ is the conflict between that
which is natural and that which is spiritual, between our self-will and our
desire to be Christ-like. The only real, long-term answer to this stress is a
change of nature and this is, of course, what we are promised. At various
stages of our lives we are subjected to many other conflicts which we must
resolve as best we can, but, for us, self, much loved by the natural man, is
the enemy and not the stresses that afflict us. For the Christian, these
stresses may be God's way of fashioning us or adapting us to serve His purpose.
THE EFFECTS OF STRESS
We all need a moderate level of
stress in order to motivate us to achieve goals and meet deadlines. There is
evidence that a certain amount of stress when we are young helps us to
withstand greater stresses when we are more mature. But excessive stress to the
young and immature is damaging and counterproductive. The same can be said
about chastising and discipline which to the young are forms of stress.
Stress leads to distress which is an
unpleasant emotional experience like anxiety, anger, jealousy or depression.
These emotions lead to changes in hormone levels such as adrenalin, and also to
an upset in the chemical balance in our brains. These changes then modify the
function of our other body systems; one example is the increases in heart rate
and blood pressure caused by anger. The wide range of physical changes caused
by distress gives us an inkling of how stress can sometimes lead to disease.
Disease is surprisingly quite
difficult to define, but can be described as a disordered state of emotional or
bodily function which imposes difficulties in coping with everyday work and
responsibilities. Disease interferes with our sense of well-being and produces
more distress. Most of us can accept that the more stress we are under the more
likely we are to become distressed and ill - or break down. However, different
people can cope with different amounts of stress, but it is generally agreed
that given enough stress each of us would become mentally or emotionally ill.
Not being able to cope is not necessarily a marker of inadequacy but an
indication that stress has reached a level beyond the individual's adaptive
capacity. In view of the consequences of stress it is not surprising that
physical illness is more common in those under greatest stress.
Psychological factors are known to
play an important causal part in many diseases such as hypertension, asthma,
migraine, premenstrual tension and ulcerative colitis. Major life stresses such
as being bereaved of one's spouse result in an increased risk of becoming ill.
It
is God's prerogative to put us under stress to test and shape us.(l) What we
need to beware of is giving ourselves unrealistic or unattainable targets and
thereby putting ourselves under needless stress. Our ambition can lead us to
risk our own emotional and physical well-being. Putting ourselves under stress
for the sake of others is often a good Christian response, but ultimately we
are called to put our trust in the power of Christ's sacrifice and not our own.
MANAGING STRESS
We should aim to reduce our levels
of stress wherever possible without neglecting our responsibilities. We might
do this by reviewing our work load, delegating some tasks to others and
considering carefully the demands made upon us by other people (2). We do well
to avoid certain conflicts and stresses altogether.
Stress leads to tension and so
relaxation techniques such as Yoga can reduce some of the consequences of
stress. We cannot be at ease or at peace with ourselves and tense at the same
time.
In some cases a doctor's help may be
needed. Medication can be prescribed and can be helpful in acute cases for a
short time.
Just talking about the stresses we
have can be helpful especially to someone who is sympathetic and non-judgmental
and who may have experienced the same problem. Such listeners need not be
professionals but can be found in the home, the classroom, the office, in
coffee morning chats and in the less formal ecclesial get-togethers.
THE CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE
Some stress in life is unavoidable
and indeed beneficial. As Christians we are invited to enter the 'small gate' and
walk the 'narrow way' which leads to life.(3) Following God's way rather than
our own is invariably stressful to the natural man in us. The conflict is
unavoidable.
Jesus faced the same dilemma. He
knew all about stress, conflict and the denial of self. He said, 'I have come.
not to do my own will but to do the will of Him who sent me.’(4) When setting
himself to go to Jerusalem for the last time, he said, 'I have a baptism to
undergo and how distressed I am until it is completed'.(5)
As we read of Jesus praying in the
garden of Gethsemane, getting no support from his sleeping disciples, we are
aware of the stress he is under and his great desire for relief. Here is stress
at its greatest and here we see victory over self when he said, 'Abba, Father,
everything is possible for You. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but
what You will'.(6) Without resentment or anger Jesus accepted the destruction
of self so that His Father's will could be done.
May we be given strength to quell
the rebellion within us and so be granted the peace of God that comes from
accepting His will.(7)
Jesus so identified himself with
sinful man that he who knew no sin, was made sin for our sakes. He actually
experienced a moment of alienation from his Father when on the cross he cried,
'My God, my God, why have You forsaken me'.(8) Surely this must have been the
ultimate stress for Jesus, and it is this stress that we are spared through our
faith, God's grace and Christ's sacrifice.
Here is the only ultimate cure.
Natural man exalts self. Natural man sees the protection of self as
all-important. He sees stress as the enemy threatening that all-important self.
The Christian is relieved of this burden, for Jesus says, 'Come to me all you
who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and
learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for
your souls . For having overcome self and subjected his own will in the
ultimate situation to that of his Father, he was able to declare assuredly to
his followers, My yoke is easy and my burden is light'. (9)
INDEX TO BIBLICAL REFERENCES
1. Deuteronomy
8 vs 2 - 5 and Hebrews 12 ys 3 - 11
2. Exodus
18 vs 13 - 23
3. Matthew
7 v 14
4. John
6 v 38
5. Luke
12 v 50
6. Mark
14 v 36
7. John
14 v 27
8. Matthew
27 v 46
9. Matthew
11 vs 28 – 30
THE STRESS OF PARENTHOOD
Carol Lees
PARENTS AND CHILDREN
When we read our Bibles, we are left
in no doubt that children are seen as a blessing from God. When we think of the
prayers of people like Hannah, Elizabeth or Abraham and Sarah, who desperately
wanted children of their own, we recognise that it can be one of life's great
privileges to raise children to the glory of God.
How is it, then, that as parents we
sometimes feel at the end of our tether, unable to cope, full of untold sadness
and despair? Surely the fault must be with us? Not necessarily, and the purpose
of this chapter is to explore why parenthood can involve so much stress and how
we can deal with such stress in a positive way.
Our culture, centred as it is on the
small nuclear family, has a lot to answer for. The myth of 'the happy family is
presented wherever we look - in advertisements, magazines, television
programmes and through our social contacts, including brethren and sisters. It
is very hard to admit how stressed we feel while everyone around us appears to
be coping. Our feeling of failure can be overwhelming.
God tests us all in different ways
but perhaps the problems we experience because of our children - whether these
problems are affecting our marriage, our spiritual well-being, our mental
health or whatever - are arguably testing us where it hurts most, at the very
core of our closest relationships. We should perhaps take heart from the fact
that parental stress is no new phenomenon. David, in the Psalms, talks often of
the pain caused by those nearest to him, particularly his son Absalom, while
Abraham had problems with Ishmael, Job's children were a source of great
anxiety to him and, in particular, we have the case of Isaac and Rebekah.
While she was pregnant, God said to
Rebekah 'Two nations are in your womb and two people from within you will be
separated1.(1) Paul adds to this by saying '... Rebekah's children had one and
the same father, our father Isaac. Yet before the twins were born or had done
anything good or bad - in order that God's purposes in election might stand,
not by works but by Him who calls - she was told "The older will serve the
younger". Just as it is written "Jacob I loved but Esau I hated".'(2)
It is difficult but important to
accept that so much of life is in God's hands and, in families where there are
tensions and difficulties, these need not be due to poorer parenting any more
than harmonious family relationships are attributable to better parenting.
Hence, having done what we can, we should not feel ashamed if things go wrong,
especially in our society where, compared with Isaac and Rebekah's times, there
are so few directly on hand to share the parenting task.
HOW DO WE GET IT RIGHT AS PARENTS?
Babies arrive without any special
instructions for our particular model and without any form of guarantee that
the child will develop in the way we would choose.
In our society there is currently a
heavy emphasis on the psychological aspects of child-rearing. Freud, Spock and
countless others stress the importance of those early years and, when things
don't go according to plan, they urge us as parents to examine whether there
was enough security, enough physical touch, enough attention when it was needed
and so on.
The Bible, on the other hand, is
rather short on direct advice regarding child-rearing. We know we should
instruct our children in the ways of God (3) but the rest is implied rather
than clearly spelled out. In fact, there were parents who desperately wanted to
get it right and who asked God for specific guidance on how they should bring
up their child.
About 3000 years ago, an angel
appeared to a woman and told her she would conceive and bear a son who would be
a Nazarite, set apart to God from birth.(4) When the woman told her husband, he
recognised that this baby would be special, so he prayed that the angel might
come again 'to teach us how to bring up the boy who is to be born'.(5) Then,
when the angel returned, Manoah asked 'What is to be the rule for the boy's
life and work?' But, apart from repeating the conditions pertaining to his wife
during pregnancy, God, as far as we know, gave Samson's anxious parents no
direct advice. There was no specific formula.
WHAT DOES GOD EXPECT?
In the Bible, parenthood is not
given top priority. God comes first. We are not called to be super' parents,
focussing our entire attention on our offspring. Children form only a part of
the overall pattern of life. In fact, the Bible does not make the task of
procreation as burdensome as some of our contemporary thinkers would have us
believe.
There is no need for unnecessary
guilt or self-doubt. None of the parents in the Bible were accused or blamed
for the wrongdoing of their children, with perhaps the exception of Eli who
allowed his sons to desecrate the temple. God makes it very clear to Ezekiel
when He says 'What do you people mean by quoting this proverb about the land of
Israel "The fathers eat sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on
edge?" .... The soul who sins is the one who will die. The son shall not
share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the
son.'(6). Although our children are given us by God, they are not extensions of
ourselves. They are loaned to us for a season and we must try to bring them up
'in the training and instruction of the Lord' (7). Indeed, our children are
known to God at least from the womb (8). Some will be easy, compliant children.
Others will challenge, resist and blatantly defy us from an early age. However,
having sown the seed and nurtured the young plants, the harvest, be it good or
poor, is God s alone. Moreover, it is not always the naturally compliant
children who ultimately yield the greatest crop.
It is possible to love our children
too much and we have to aim for the right balance. Jesus tells us 'Anyone who
loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me'.(9) He also says
'Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace on earth .... For I have come
to turn "a man against his father, a daughter against her mother .... a
man's enemies will be the members of his own household"'.(10) This process
can start very early on!
Of course, this is not always the
way things are. Parents and children can offer each other great joy, love and
happiness. But we must be prepared to accept that this will not always be the
case and that some of the stress experienced may be attributable to trying to
stand firm in our beliefs.
WHAT DO WE EXPECT OF OURSELVES?
Frequently we expect too much of
ourselves and our children. Current thinking about child-rearing is linked
closely to the theory of determinism which implies that all behaviour is caused
and that babies come into the world like 'blank slates'. This is contrary to
what God says. We have already mentioned what He said to Rebekah about Esau and
Jacob. To Hagar when she was pregnant with Ishmael, God said 'He will be a wild
donkey of a man; his hand will be against everyone and everyone's hand against
him...'(11) Without doubt, Ishmael would not have been an easy child to bring
up and would have caused both his mother and Abraham heartache before he went
away.
All human beings are wonderfully
complex and each is unique. Nevertheless, as parents, we constantly compare our
child with other children. We desperately want our child to be the same as or
better than others. This often means we become competitive. It is not unusual
to hear parents scolding their child because they do not meet the general
expectation. Even Sunday School prizes are still awarded to the academically
bright whilst attributes such as gentleness or truthfulness go unrewarded.
No child is born a Christadelphian
nor can a child be programmed to become one. However, we still feel saddened
when our children fail to meet our expectations and hopes. Many parents, for
example, insist their youngsters attend the meeting. For some this works well.
For others, who are more active, sitting still is an agony and neither parents
nor children gain from the situation.
Other people are not always very understanding.
Possibly they have had very different children from ours for whom such and such
worked and their suggestions and attitudes can add to our stress. It is
important that we try to do what is right in God's eyes - but what is right
will vary from child to child.
We have to find a balance. We should
not focus all our attention on the children, nor must we fail to give them the
attention they need. Likewise, we should not provoke them deliberately nor
discipline them so harshly we break them, whilst recognising the need to be
firm.
The task of parenting is hard. When
we are at our lowest, when we feel unable to cope with the stresses our
children bring, when we are short on confidence and overwhelmed by our
responsibilities, then it is important to review our expectations and, if
necessary, adjust them. We can also take strength from the problems faced by
parents down the ages - perhaps thinking of Mary who must often have felt her expectations
of her firstborn were not met. Remember the twelve year old who stayed behind
in Jerusalem?
TEN POSSIBLE POINTERS TO DEALING
CONFIDENTLY WITH THE STRESS OF BEING A PARENT
1. Accept the child God sends you.
Do not waste energy or effort on trying to make your child what it is not nor
ever can be. This will only cause you more stress. See the positives in the
child you have and concentrate on building on them. Your child is not in a race
or competition, nor is the child a reflection or extension of yourself. Refuse
to judge or be judged in this way.
2. You are the boss. Children
will often test your power as a parent to the limit but they need to know who
is boss. Don't dwell too heavily on incidents of childish thoughtlessness but
beware of direct challenges to parental authority - and try to discern between
the two. Most children will benefit from a structured life but not when it's so
structured there is no space for growth. Try to combine discipline with lots of
love and never vent your own feelings on the children. Remember too that when
you forbid, you allow no room for possible alternatives.
3. Beware of over-dependency.
Your child can become too dependent on you. Be prepared from the start to begin
to let go. The aim is to push the fledgling safely out of the nest and we
should never keep young people with us to meet our own needs. From early
childhood, encourage your child to make choices within reason, ready for the
day he or she will become independent. Be very careful not to continue
parenting well after the task should have been completed - you have your own
life to worry about too!
4. Keep a sense of humour. If
you can see the delightful side of having children, you are more likely to cope
with the more difficult. Laughter during the good times helps you maintain your
perspective. The terrible two year old will not always be as he is nor will the
adolescent girl always play her pop music at full blast when you are
entertaining the visiting speaker!
5. Get God's values across.
Make sure your children know what parents in Christ feel in good times and bad.
Try to ensure your child does not receive double messages from you. Set out
God's values and acknowledge where everyday living has fallen short of them.
Even if your child rejects your faith, a remnant will live on if you lay firm
foundations. Remember the prodigal son. Try to talk about life in its totality
and don’t overprotect your child. Place emphasis on individual responsibility
and accountability from an early age.
6. Have faith. It is
particularly important not to overact with older children who are being
rebellious. Often your child will come through this sticky patch safely. Save
your energy to do battle over really important issues - not such things as a
savage haircut, too much makeup, the odd cigarette. Such incidents are not
usually of lasting or moral significance. Stay with your child through
difficult times because, despite appearances, he or she needs you. The caring
child will almost certainly in time become a caring adult.
7. Never write off your child.
Be cautious about labelling your child as difficult, too demanding, stupid,
unchristian, etc. You will always be older and hopefully wiser than your child,
so be prepared to make the peace or say you are sorry, even if he or she won't.
When you are going through a difficult time and feel very stressed, try not to
over-commit yourself in other directions, keep life fairly simple, get plenty
of rest and pray.
8. When the worst has happened,
stand firm. Forgiveness and understanding should always be tried but they
don't always work in the most difficult situations, such as when children
become so rebellious that they break the law, can be the breaking point, but
you need to stand firm. This might mean saying 'Live by our rules or leave'.
Let your child take responsibility for his or her own actions. Find the courage
to stop giving money, stop your pleas for change and stop feeling guilty. When
children realize they are no longer so powerful, they might become more hostile
in the short-term but we need to love them enough to stop protecting them against
their self-defeating behaviour. There is a time to hold on and a time to let go
and always a time to pray. It is also important that parents consider getting
help for themselves when facing the most difficult times.
9. Try sharing your problems. Many
of those near to us who appear to cope so well may not be as impervious to
stress as they seem. God is testing them as well, but not perhaps through the
parental relationship at this time. Try sharing your difficulties with your
brethren and sisters. Don't reject offers of help but allow people to get
close. They will not be perfect in the ways they try to help but accept this
from the start. Don't overburden one particular person but try different people
and different ways of finding strength. Share all your problems with God
through prayer.
10. Pray without ceasing.
When things are at their worst, it is sometimes very difficult to pray. Don't
aim for the ideal prayer. A few words offered here and there through our
mediator will suffice and then a longer prayer when you can. Pray for strength
for yourself and your children. Pray that God might place key individuals in
our children's paths to nudge them in the right direction. Pray in confidence
and hope for yourself and your child, and not in regret. Neither parents nor
children are perfect. We can't undo mistakes but we can forgive ourselves and
them.
Remember, God loves our children
more than we ever can.
INDEX TO BIBLICAL REFERENCES
1. Genesis
25 v 23
2. Romans
9 v 10 - 143 and Deuteronomy 6 vs 6 - 7
4. Judges
13 v 5
5. Judges
13 vs 8 and 12
6. Ezekiel
18 vs 2 and 20
7. Ephesians
6 v 4
8. cf
Jeremiah 1 v 5
9. Matthew
10 v 37
10. Matthew 10 vs 34 and 36
11. Genesis 16 v 12
Useful further reading: Dobson, Dr.
J.C., 'Parenting Isn't for Cowards', Word Books Ltd.(1987)
COPING WITH STRESS AND CRISES IN THE
FAMILY
Hope Drage
There was stress in the very first
family in the Garden of Eden between Adam and Eve and later, as the story
unfolded, between Cain and Abel. We can all go through in our minds the stresses
in the families of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and later of David who was beset
with stress, initially with his brothers, later with his wives, his
father-in-law and, possibly most distressing of all, with his sons. Some of
these were brought upon him by his own actions. No doubt today we would have
difficulty accommodating such a vital personality in our ecclesias, and yet God
loved him, and his experiences found expression in the Psalms which have given
Christians down the centuries comfort and hope. Even the family of Jesus did
not escape. Those of us who are parents may well have shared the anguish of
Mary when Jesus delayed his return from Jerusalem, 'Son, why have you treated
us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you'.(l)
And the stress continues in families
today. Given this long history, there is no way that these issues can be
resolved in this chapter. We are simply going to look at one or two ways of
coping and perhaps using them to make positive changes in our lives.
So how do we in our Christadelphian
community cope? We have no inbuilt immunity against stress; we suffer the same
blows and misfortunes as those without a faith, as the requests on the Care
Group Prayer Line show. In addition we can find ourselves torn by the
conflicting demands our faith makes upon us: on the one hand we have the
support and fellowship of our brothers and sisters and the comfort and
inspiration of prayer and communion with our heavenly Father; on the other hand
the dilemmas, the guilt and additional stress of the high moral and spiritual
values demanded of us. How do we reconcile, for example, the broken marriage of
a young couple with the values of our community? Does our love and concern for
a sister suffering from a depressive illness outweigh the additional guilt she
feels from her own sense of personal failure?
Sometimes we are not even aware of
the causes of our stress until someone tells us of theirs and it strikes a
chord. I recall a sister telling me that she and a number of other sisters had
found their most constant time of stress to be on a Sunday morning. The
children had to be taken to Sunday School, the lunch prepared, the home tidied
for visitors and all before the 10.30 departure for the Meeting. It had been
such a regular part of the weekly routine that it was only when she mentioned
it that I could say, 'Yes, me too!' Perhaps your labours are equally
distributed on Sunday morning, perhaps not, but, given a little forethought,
there is no reason why each member of the family should not help with some task
in order to share the load.
Firstly then we are talking about
identifying the everyday stresses and to do this we need to nurture within the
family a spirit of openness and trust. We can as parents lay down our Christian
values for family guidance, but we also need to listen to our children, to our
parents and to our partner without judging, and encourage a free expression of
feelings so that fears and anxieties can be aired, explored and possibly
allayed. 'Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become
angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God
desires.'(2) If we can create this atmosphere within the family - no easy task
- we can then start to tackle the stresses.
I would like to suggest that there
is an opportunity for doing this while sitting down to Sunday lunch as a
family. Let each member identify what he or she sees as their biggest stress.
There are likely to be some surprises because what one finds stressful others
may not; teenagers may feel frustrated that they cannot play their
records/tapes at full blast 'to get the real impact', while parents feel that
half the volume is still too loud. Parents may bicker with each other, not
realising the distress this causes the children. Another cause of stress is the
mother and/or father being so late home from work or from commitments at the
Meeting that they have too little time to listen to the children or to each
other. Tensions can arise in the three generation family when Gran or Grandad
have to move in to stay. In every case the family members need to communicate
about the problems and then work together to achieve a compromise to which all
can agree.
Clearly this only applies to the
day-to-day stresses that afflict all families. There are the major crises such
as bereavement, the break-up of a marriage, the emergence of a chronic
progressive illness, the loss of a job, children in trouble with the law, all
with devastating effects on the family and affecting the relatives and the
Meeting. How can we as committed brothers and sisters survive these
experiences, some of which we are all likely to face at some level?
Again the first step is to start
communicating and sharing the problem. Individual circumstances will ; dictate
whether the problem is shared with a member of the family, a sympathetic
brother or sister within the ecclesia, a member of the Care Group or an outside
professional counsellor.
If you were to ask any professional
carer when people are most likely to change and adapt, the answer would mostly
be, 'following a crisis'. A crisis forces us to stop, take stock of our
position and change direction to suit the new circumstances. It is a very
painful process, not without much heart-searching, and often requiring a lot of
support from our brothers and sisters and immediate family. Such an experience
can provide an opportunity for families to unite and grow; without help it can
often destroy them.
To illustrate what I am trying to
say, I am going to look at a real case of family stress. This case is from
outside our community to avoid the obvious danger of identifying individuals
within the brotherhood.
Tim, a 16-year old African boy, was
caught shoplifting, fiercely resisted arrest and was charged. When the
Probation Officer was asked to investigate his home circumstances and report to
the Court, she found that he was one of four children abandoned first by the
father and more recently by the mother. The responsibility for the family's
care rested with the eldest brother (21 years old; who was at work all day
providing for the family's material needs). Tim had left school, fallen through
the education net and had lost the will to do anything with his life, hence his
crime. In practice the crime brought him to the attention of the welfare
agencies who were able to offer him the support he needed to make something of
his life, to apply for jobs and to give him back his self-confidence. Tim
responded and in time became a more independent, resourceful member of society.
The elder brother, once he got over the shame of his brother's crime, saw that
it had provided the opportunity for changing his ways. What appeared to be a
step down the slippery slope of delinquency created the opportunity for a
change of direction and a fresh start.
There are times when we have to let
our children move in directions we would not wish. Although we can make clear
our feelings and beliefs, sooner or later we must let them go. Jesus recognised
this in the parable of the prodigal son. The younger son had to reach his own
crisis before he 'came to his senses'(3) and this proved to be the turning
point. The Father's constant love and eagerness to welcome him back should be
reflected in our attitudes towards our wayward children.
There is, of course, opportunity for
personal growth at any age. I was moved by the elderly man, recently widowed,
who 'could not boil an egg' before his wife died, but spoke with such pride of
his growing skills in cookery. He had also resolved the problem of returning to
an empty house by getting a small dog whose warm welcome at the door made life
a little more bearable. Then he found that when he took the dog for walks he
met and talked to other people and so his life took a new turn. His life will
never be the same but he is beginning to adjust in a positive way.
There was also the woman who cared
for many years for her severely demented husband until this task overwhelmed
her and, after much heart-searching, she finally agreed to his admission to
hospital. In practice, once the stress of his admission was over, she found
that their relationship improved, the tension of his physical and mental
demands was now shared and they could enjoy each other's company on a limited
level. Other residents in the hospital whose families were not able to visit
regularly became included and looked forward to her visits. For her a new
chapter had begun.
In many crisis situations the factor
which turns a potential disaster into a way forward is a friend who can listen
and so share the burden of the sufferer. Talking through the problem can help
the distressed to discover inner resources and recognise the way forward. What
more sympathetic friend have we than our Lord, who is described as 'Comforter',
'Counsellor', 'Advocate' and 'a High Priest who is able to sympathise with our
weaknesses’ (4). And we are exhorted to 'carry each other's burdens',(5) to
support with kindness, without judging, and so encourage one another to
persevere.
Perhaps the greatest crisis in
history is seen in the cross, not only for Jesus who had to face the personal
agony of his crucifixion but also for his disciples who saw their hopes
apparently shattered. 'We had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem
Israel'.(6) Yet the scene moved from despair to resurrection and has in turn
given us the hope of salvation. However, Jesus did not promise to free us from
stress. He exhorts us
to share his cross and for the early
church this was to include persecution. What Jesus did promise was that we
would never suffer alone but that he would provide the comfort and peace we
need if we allow him into our lives. 'The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about
anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present
your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (7)
The words of Hymn 87 express this
theme in a prayer with which we can all identify:
Drop thy still dews of quietness
Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and
stress
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of thy peace.
Breathe through the heat of our
desire
Thy coolness and thy balm;
Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire;
Speak through the earthquake, wind
and fire,
O still small voice of calm.
INDEX TO BIBLICAL REFERENCES
1. Luke
2 v 48
2. James
1 vs 19 - 20
3. Luke
15 v 17
4. Hebrews
4 v 15
5. Galatians
6 v 2
6. Luke
24 v 21
7. Philippians 4 vs 5 – 7
TEENAGERS AND STRESS
Sylvia Ospina and Norman Fitchett
The following questions were put to
a group of teenagers in a Christadelphian youth group:
(a) What is stress?
(b) How does it affect you?
(c) How does it arise?
(d) How do you cope?
(e) How does your Christianity help
- or doesn't it?
They were asked to write down their
answers. Many of them were still writing copiously after the ten -fifteen
minutes allowed. It certainly seemed as though a raw nerve had been touched.
Once they had completed their answers, there was an opportunity to express
their thoughts and to expand on some of the ideas.
Listed below is a digest of some of
the ideas which came out of the session.
(a) What is stress?
'Things you find hard to deal with’
'Pressure building up on you (work,
relationships, family)'
'Pressure built up inside you'
'Pressure on you which is hard to
get rid of'
'Problems that make you feel
depressed or unable to cope'
'Being pulled several ways'
(b) How does it affect you?
'I get worked up'
'Get upset - think of doing stupid
things - feel alone'
'Get very tired and easily annoyed -
argue with anyone -feel like crying’
'Badly! I get ratty and sarky
(sarcastic)’
‘Makes you tense and brings on more
stress’
'Feel lonely and depressed. Feel
unwanted and depressed.'
'It gives me a headache'
‘Feel aggressive’
(c) How does it arise?
'Problems which I'm not very good at
dealing with'
'Someone aggravates you at work,
school, home, etc.'
'Pressure at school, too much work,
not enough time, doing things in a rush'
'Relationships - breaking up - or
feeling jealous’
'Parents, friends, work'
'Time of the month'
'People expecting too much of you'
'Problems and pressures mounting up,
often when I'm already down'
'Taking too much on'
(d) How do you cope?
'Take a long ride on my bike’
'Talk about it - think about the
good things'
'Relax, watch TV, go to bed, listen
to music, stop and think’
'Go into my bedroom and listen to
soothing music'
'Being on your own for a while'
'Relaxation - time to think - or a
punchbag'
'Not very well - I become moody and
weepy, but I pray about it a lot’
'By crying’
'Work out with weights'
(e) How does your Christianity help
- or doesn't it?
'Stops me getting angry with people'
'I read the Psalms and they cheer me
up because they say what I mean'
'People in church help me through
stress'
'My Christianity doesn't help - I
pray for strength but nothing happens'
'Helps in some ways but in others it
adds to your stress'
'I pray when I'm alone - it helps'
'Bible has comfort and advice to
many problems'
'Can talk to God and ask for help'
'Unresolved issues can increase stress'
'Have the example of Jesus'
These comments make one thing very
clear... stress is not monopolized by the business executive, the harassed
housewife, the doctor, teacher or overloaded social worker, but it can also be
experienced by young people -in this case, young people with an interest in
Christianity.
The world, society and church all
make demands of one kind or another. Sometimes those demands are in conflict.
Those who have come to understand the value of and the need for a high moral
standard and whose conscience tries to direct them into a better way of life
will experience tensions which their peers will not appreciate. Because of
this, a commitment to Christian beliefs presents still another pressure point.
We may feel that because we are in
close touch with young people we are fully aware of their needs. If so the
answers given above may surprise us. If these comments provoke us to listen
more carefully to what young people have to say, we may become more sensitive
to their needs and sympathetic to their problems, and so be more effective in
encouraging their developing faith.
STRESS IN CARING FOR A DISABLED,
ELDERLY OR INFIRM PERSON
Margaret Howarth
For most of us work occupies a
designated part of our time, balanced by welcome periods of rest and worship
according to the divine principle. For carers of chronically sick or disabled
relatives or elderly, frail dependants, life isn't like that. Their job is for
365 days a year with additional night duty. All their time and every activity and
the needs of others and self have to be planned around the needs of the one
being cared for. Love for their relative is clouded with sadness and anxiety
and a sharing of the hurt. For some the situation develops inevitably with the
birth of a handicapped baby or because of disabling illness or accident or
because a partner becomes ill or feeble. For others a decision has to be made
whether and to what extent to take on the caring of an ageing parent or other
relative. This article does not attempt to deal with the psychological effects
of caring but addresses some practical ways of alleviating the stress.
In all cases, despite the feelings
of panic, disbelief, anger and inadequacy, it is important to weigh the matter
carefully, seek the Lord's guidance, consult medical and social personnel
involved and consider as far as possible the choices of everyone concerned.
Discuss the possible options. Do not assume that full time caring in your own
home is the only or even the best course. Do not take on whole time caring
because of outside pressure or feelings of guilt or other people's
expectations. Do what is best for your relative, your family and yourself.
Independence is a valued state and not to be surrendered without careful
thought and prayer. For anyone wanting and able, with help, to retain
independent living, consider the alternatives:
(1) remaining in own home with
support from doctor, nurse, home help, meals and regular attention from family
and friends, safety devices, bedside telephone and opportunities to stay with
family as often as needed.
(2) moving to a warden-controlled
flat, Christadelphian or local, with all necessary facilities plus support as
in (1).
(3) residential care in a home,
Christadelphian or local. Possible homes must be visited and details of
routines, standards and levels of care investigated. Where 24 hour care is
required or where mental as well as physical problems exist or where a family
are quite unable to undertake full time care, residential care may be the best
choice; family and friends could visit regularly and keep their loved one
involved in their lives.
(4) providing a separate flat or
bed-sitting room within or attached to the carer's home, allowing for
independence but with full security and necessary care.
If, however, none of these is
possible nor considered appropriate and the relative in need of care is to come
into the carer's home (or when the relative is already in the carer's home)
then further careful consideration is important. Ask yourself and discuss with
others involved, including as far as possible the one being cared for:
(1) what are the prime needs, real
and perceived, of your relative?
(2) how can these needs - physical,
financial, medical, emotional, social and spiritual - best be met, in order to
provide good quality of life?
(3) how can the maximum realistic
degree of independence, choice, social contacts, ecclesial involvement and
individuality be maintained?
(4) what resources are available to
help?
(5) what are my (the carer's)
personal resources and limitations, strengths and weaknesses?
(6) what other people must be
considered?
Face the whole situation
realistically, taking into account the advice of doctors, therapists and family
members, as well as the feelings of your relative. Carers are deeply
emotionally involved, and love and conscientious attention to duty can drive
them to take on too much to the detriment of themselves, other family members
and ultimately to the one they are caring for. As in any change of
circumstances and new responsibilities you will need to pray and seek guidance,
wisdom and strength. 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on
your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your
paths straight'.(1) Whatever decisions are taken, review the situation from
time to time. Circumstances change, as do needs and resources. But rejoice that
the Lord never changes.(2) He is our ever present shepherd (3) and His
compassion is renewed every morning.(4)
It is easy for those who don't know
the reality to picture a sweet, frail, elderly, appreciative lady and a
devoted, patient, loving daughter or husband sharing life together at a gentle
pace, smiling, content and godly. For a happy few that may be so. More often
than not, it isn't like that. There can be multiple disabilities, heavy
lifting, feeding problems, the need for constant attention, incontinence,
mountains of washing, worrying expense, communication difficulties, personality
changes, behavioural problems, confusion, irritation, aggression and disturbed
nights. Carers, many of whom have to do a paid job as well, can become weary,
anxious, angry, resentful, frustrated and ill, Some carers are themselves
elderly and unwell. Tensions can build up and feelings of inadequacy, conflict
and guilt can permeate every long day.
Here is an excerpt from a letter
written by a sister who cares for a loved disabled relative and has to be the
breadwinner also: "Preparation for bed seems to go on for ever - this
usually when I've had more than enough and am longing to go to bed and can
hardly keep my eyes open. Tiredness brings problems for both of us - short
temper, frustration, irritation, constantly picking up dropped things,
encouraging, persuading - but it's no use trying to rush; this only seems to exacerbate
the problem and it takes twice as long. There are drinks to make, bed to
prepare, maybe bottles/flasks to fill, tablets to get out, help with
undressing/washing and perhaps applying cream to painful joints. Two hours
later I can crawl into bed for another short night".
Yes, caring is wearing. Demands on
the carer can become excessive and it is all too easy to be overwhelmed by the
problems and to think negatively about every aspect of the situation. But there
are positives and some practical steps which can be taken to relieve the
stresses of the task.
FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE may be
available in the form of benefits or grants. DO ASK the Welfare Rights Officer
or Social Worker at your local Social Services Area Office, or the Ward Social
Worker if your relative is being discharged from hospital. If, despite all the
help you are entitled to and the help of family members, financial problems
persist, do talk to your Recording Brother in confidence. Help is available
from funds lovingly provided for the support of any brother or sister in
difficulty.
MEDICAL CARE and information should
be sought from the General Practitioner and his team including the nurse and
health visitor, or from the hospital clinic while under the care of a
Consultant. Therapists are usually glad to talk to carers and explain
treatments, teach lifting techniques, advise on problems such as feeding,
dressing, positioning, exercising and communication difficulties and answer any
queries. DO ASK.
AIDS can be supplied on loan and
ADAPTATIONS made to the house to make some tasks easier - such as ramps, grab
rails, bath seats, special cutlery and crockery, showers, stair lifts, special
chairs and beds, wheelchairs, commodes, incontinence supplies, hoists, etc.
Contact either the Social Services or the Health Authority Occupational Therapy
Department. Boots Chemist and specialist aids suppliers sell a range of
equipment for people with special needs. If you have a particular difficulty,
find out if there is something that can ease it. DO ASK.
Your relative may be able to attend
a DAY CENTRE (National Health Service or Social Services or private), or a
self-help group concerned with particular needs (Stroke Group, Arthritis Care,
Take Heart, Parkinson's Society, Mencap, etc.) or a luncheon club. DO ASK about
what is available. Your local library is a good source of information. Or maybe
the ecclesia could organise a support group for elderly, disabled or lonely
members. Resist your relative's over-dependence upon you for every need. A day
centre or support group can provide friendly contacts, a change of scene,
mental stimulation and occupation for your relative and allow you time to relax
or shop or concentrate on a task or meet friends, etc. and so you will both be
refreshed. If, however, your relative would be miserable in a group situation
or refuses even to try it, you could consider the alternative of applying for a
visiting care assistant from Social Services or from an organisation such as
Crossroads or asking a brother or sister to visit in order to give you a break
from time to time.
When
tensions develop between you:
(1) Talk about it. Bring your feelings out into the
open and deal with them. If it is not possible to talk with your relative, then
involve a third party - a nurse or brother or sister - to help you to resolve
the difficulties. Another person can sometimes see a solution that you missed
because you could not 'see the wood for the trees'.
(2) Pray about it - alone, and where
possible together.
God gives new strength each day commensurate with need. The conviction that we
are not tried more than we are able to bear is only deeply learned when we have
felt pushed to the limit and found God's grace sufficient as He has promised.
(5) PRAY, PRAY AND PRAY AGAIN. However, prayer can be difficult for those who
are feeling stressed. For some, it does not feel right to approach God with
'bad' feelings. But the records of the lives of faithful men and women in
Scripture can reassure us on this matter. Job, Moses, Hannah and David, for example,
poured out to God their distress of mind and they were heard and found favour
with God. Your heavenly Father knows your needs, your weaknesses and your dark
thoughts (6) and He will be glad to hear your call for help. (7) He does not
want you to shut Him out and struggle on alone. 'You hear, O Lord, the desire
of the afflicted; you encourage them and you listen to their cry'.(8)
(3) Try to be flexible and
adaptable. It is
the tree that bends in a storm that is less likely to break. Try to recognise
humour and even a sense of the ridiculous. Shared laughter can diffuse many a
fraught situation.
THE CARERS' ASSOCIATION may have a
local group which you can attend to find mutual support and encouragement by
talking with others in similar circumstances, particularly important if you are
coping alone. It is important to be able to TALK over the problems and stresses
that arise and express the bad feelings of resentment, anger, frustration,
guilt, etc. which are common amongst people under stress, with someone who
really understands, someone who is prepared to listen without judging or
jumping in with ill-considered advice. Not all women (or men - and some men
find themselves in the caring role) are natural nurses or carers. It is healthy
to accept your own limitations and not expect yourself to be faultless. Failure
to match up to the perfect example of Jesus or to one's own Christian
aspirations is part of the human experience. Be gentle with YOURSELF. Allow
friends and brethren and sisters to help. If they do not offer, you may need to
tell them what your needs are and ASK for their support. Good friends will be
glad you did.
The stress of caring for a parent or
a child can put a strain on the relationship of a married couple. It is vital
to TALK not only about the problems but about your feelings and your
relationship and ways of coping together with the demands on your time and
energy, to take time out to relax together and to seek help early if
communication begins to break down. Believing partners need to encourage each
other's faith and to pray together. As well as seeking to recognise and provide
for the needs of your relative, you also need to recognise and address your own
and your partner's needs.
RESPITE CARE should be discussed and
planned from the outset. No one can work all day every day without rest
periods, as the Scriptures clearly teach. It is unwise to take on full time
caring and put off thinking about breaks until exhaustion results in
desperation and depression. By that time it can be difficult to introduce the
idea of a break to your relative without inducing anxiety, insecurity, feelings
of rejection and even stubborn refusal. Plans for periodic breaks should be
discussed and their necessity anticipated and established from the start. (The doctor
or Social Services may be able to make arrangements, and some Christadelphian
Homes take short-term residents.)
Otherwise there is a danger of
isolation, exhaustion, family tension and nervous strain, leading to break
down.
It is not selfish for carers to
balance caring with their own needs. It is wise to follow the example of Jesus
who withdrew from the demands of the crowds for solitary meditation and prayer,
and who was refreshed by the company of loving friends.(9) It is important to
make provision for your own devotions, health care, interests, friends and
involvement in the ecclesia, in order to replenish your inner resources for the
task.
There can be great FULFILMENT for
the servant of Christ in caring for a dependent loved one. There can be recognised a close
following of the example of Jesus in such a situation.(10) There is dignity and
privilege in service......'I was sick and you looked after me....
whatever you did for one of the
least of these brothers of mine, you did for me'.(11) There is the exercise of
love in considering the feelings and needs of your relative and trying to
appreciate the frustrations and pain and anxiety which are perhaps being
expressed in impatience or sharp words or silence. There can be fellowship with
brethren and sisters in similar circumstances. If this is not available locally
and you feel a need for it. you could contact the Care Group for loving
support. (12) Over all is the assurance of your loving Father's compassion and
control. He has promised that He is with you and will sustain you.(13)
The KEY WORDS are :
TALK - through your feelings and
problems
LISTEN - to your relative's needs
and feelings
ASK - for the help and support you
need
REST - plan breaks for your relative
and yourself
PRAY - God sees, God cares -lean on
Him
It was been said that IT IS NOT OUR
TRIALS THAT BREAK US DOWN BUT LACK OF ENCOURAGEMENT. And that is where the rest
of us come in. PEOPLE NEED PEOPLE. The relative needs the care of the carer,
the carer needs the care of supportive friends who in turn need supportive
friends who also have needs of their own. The carer who feels alone,
unsupported and not understood is in a sorry state indeed and in serious danger
of break down. That should not be the case for anyone in our brotherhood, in
our ecclesia. Our Father has provided a fellowship in which we all have a
responsibility to care for one another.(14) Let us remember to care for the
carers by practical support and by our prayers for and with them and so
encourage and enable them to say with conviction, 'I can do everything through
Him who gives me strength.’(15)
INDEX TO BIBLICAL REFERENCES AND
ALLUSIONS
1. Proverbs 3 v 5 and 6
2. Malachi 3 v 6
3. Psalm 23
4. Lamentations 3 vs 22 - 26
5. II Corinthians 12 v 9
6. Psalm 139 vs 1 - 4
7. Psalm 91 vs 14 - 16
8. Psalm 10 v 17
9. Mark 6 v 31
10. John 13 vs 12 - 17
11. Matthew 25 vs 36 and 40
12. 2 Corinthians 1 v 4
13. Psalm 55 v 22
14. I John 3 vs 16 and 17
15. Philippians 4 v 13
MEETING STRESS AT WORK
Ken Drage
It is not unusual to find employers
in the UK reporting an average annual absenteeism for sickness of ten days or
more a year for each employee. Some are grossly in excess of this amount. A
large number of these absences are due to stress related illnesses. Many
people, due to stress in their lives, cannot face going to work and stay away
under the pretext of illness.
The symptoms of stress at work are
no different from those in other areas of life and not all absences are due to
conditions and pressures at work. Stress at home is frequently the cause or it
can be a combination of the two. While the symptoms may be easy to see, the
real cause may be more difficult to trace especially as people under stress are
prone to hide their real feelings and concerns.
Sufficient to say that absence from
work of this magnitude is seen nationally as a major problem. It is not
surprising therefore that good employers spend a lot of time and money trying
to anticipate and alleviate the causes whether at home or at work. Ideally they
employ welfare officers, provide good working conditions, health care schemes
and play schemes for employees infants and encourage participative management
styles that allow employees to be open with management.
Stress occurs when we feel
threatened by something beyond our ability to cope. Good employers recognise
that the threat is lessened when we feel we have someone to talk to who is
sympathetic and supportive, someone with whom we can share our concerns. (The
'in' word is empathetic - 'the pain you feel, I bear1.) Such support relieves
the burden and gives us the space to put into effect coping strategies. These
are the key elements of any strategy to cope with stress.
Stress is not, however, always a
negative force; it can and does generate creative breakthroughs if we are
strong enough to build on it. How frequently when we have time to spare do we
waste it, but when there is a tight schedule we come up with good solutions.
All of us when faced with clearing our 'in-trays' before going on holiday
suddenly find the energy to arrive at relevant answers to cases that have stuck
there for months.
Christadelphians have the same
concerns at home and at work as anyone else. While as followers of our Lord we have
the privilege of fellowship with God and His Son which is rejected by most, we
are no less vulnerable to the strains of working life. If we thought we should escape, it is
sobering to read Peter's words to a suffering 1st Century Christian community,
'To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an
example, that you should follow in his steps'.(1) It is this example of Jesus
that can be terrifying for the Christian because so high a standard can present
us with stresses which others do not experience. Will we be involved in war
work? Do our employer's trading practices
stand condemned by the moral standards of the ancient prophets because he uses
'dishonest scales' and 'sells even the sweepings with the wheat'?(2). Will we be
required to join a union? Will we have to go to law? Will our job take us away
from the meeting and leave us little time for our brethren and sisters? Will our Christian values bring us into
ridicule with our colleagues? The
list is endless but the cause of tension is the same: it is our Christian
conscience.
In a short article it is not
possible to give definitive answers to these and other questions. However, we
can start to address the problem. The solutions do not lie in a list of do's
and don'ts but rather in the confidence we have in our fellowship in Christ.
Paul calls it 'freedom in Christ'. When he was a Jew he felt law bound. It
caused him great tension for he was never sure whether he was acting correctly,
as the rule book was never ending. He wrote to the Romans and told them about
this period in his life; he was wretched, negative and a persecutor of
Christians. When he believed Christ he found he now lived his life by faith and
grace. He could live with his weaknesses for, as long as he tried to imitate
his Lord, he was forgiven. Christ therefore gave him the way to a strong
conscience that took many of the tensions out of his life. 'There is now no
condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.'(3) Paul now lived a positive
and constructive life and so achieved much. He knew where he was going. A
strong will is one of the keys to overcoming stress but if we are unsure of our
position in Christ then we will be at the mercy of the storms of life. While
we, like Paul, are required to share in the sufferings of this life, we can
have a confidence and purpose which is denied to others and we can say, with
Paul, 'I can do everything through him who gives me strength’ .(4)
Earlier I said that one of the keys
to overcoming stress was feeling that someone is concerned for us and having
someone with whom we can share our problems. Is not this one of the roles Jesus
plays in our lives? We have 'a high priest who is ... able to sympathise with
our weaknesses . . . Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence,
so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need1.
(5) We can speak to him in prayer. This is the strength we bring to the work
place so we must use it to the full.
We also have the fellowship of our
brethren and sisters with whom we should be able to share our concerns and
expect a compassionate hearing. The role of a helping friend is mainly
listening and reflecting our concerns back to us to enable us to discover the
solutions to our own problems. Advice is not necessarily helpful, for a
solution acceptable to one may not be acceptable to the conscience of another.
There is no universal answer when dealing with stress. Strategies for coping
have to be tailor made and worked out with the individual so that he feels
confident enough to own and implement them. Anyone who feels the need can
contact the Care Group and be put in touch with a brother or sister experienced
in counselling and personnel work, who will be willing to listen.
While a strong fellowship in Christ
helps us to cope with the pressures that come upon us unawares, we can take
steps to avoid some stresses. For example we do have some say in the type of
working life we choose. Most of us have to work but we should not see our work
as being in conflict with our Christian calling. Work, like marriage, is an
honourable estate; the struggles of a working life are the divinely appointed
consequences of the fall.(6)
It is also part of our Christian
calling to work for our living. (7) Many of us like to seek a job in which the
objectives reflect the Christian ideal, 'let us do good to all men',(8) such as
nursing, teaching, medicine, welfare and social work and, to a lesser extent,
personnel work. However these professions can demand our all and take us away
from our brethren and sisters. If we choose such a demanding career we must
have a clear idea of the way we want to serve God, for on occasions our
brethren and sisters may not see it in the same light and may encourage us to
take up a less onerous job. Such good intentions can themselves be a source of
stress. These and similar careers are very stressful and if we are by nature
anxious and find it difficult to cope with pressure then it would be foolish to
choose such a career.
We should beware also of choosing a
job that is really beyond our capabilities. Over-ambition is a major cause of
stress. If we did over-extend ourselves we would not only have to live with the
strain of handling problems too big for us but also be subjected to a poor
performance procedure. This would involve us with management interviews and
written warnings which threaten and may eventually lead to dismissal.
Many of us find the annual
performance review, which most companies operate these days, a stressful
occasion. None of us likes to have our faults and weaknesses exposed, though as
Christians we should be better than most at being honest about ourselves since
we admit our weaknesses to God through prayer. James goes so far as to exhort
that we should 'confess your sins to each other'.(9) While modern employment
law aims to be fair to the employee who is finding it difficult to perform at
work, in practice procedures can be slow, tortuous and hurtful even to the most
humble believer. The good company may perhaps try to find a way out by offering
a less demanding job, but it will certainly be one with less pay. Paul hits it
on the head when he writes to Timothy, 'godliness with contentment is great
gain1.(10) If we follow this advice we should find ourselves working within our
abilities.
Before finally accepting the offer
of a job, we have an opportunity, if we ask, to find out about any hidden
responsibilities - and these are to be found in all jobs. When we accept our
wages we enter into a contract with our employer and accept the conditions he
lays down. The contract is binding on both parties and neither should act
unilaterally. But the contract of employment is rarely a document which nestles
nicely in our hands. It need not be written; it can be made up of a series of
company notices available for inspection in the Personnel Department or on a
factory notice board.
Usually we have bound ourselves to
work overtime when asked, even at weekends. Middle managers and sometimes more
junior staff are not guaranteed employment at one location but can be required
to move to another part of the country. For many the small print is never
applied but the relocation of businesses is becoming a common occurrence and it
can come as a shock to know you can be required to move. Also for a member of a
community that stresses 'Let your "Yes" be yes and your "No"
no, or you will be condemned1,(11) to confront an employer who has a weekend
emergency with "I'm sorry, I cannot work overtime as I have to attend the
meeting" does not say much for the word of a Christadelphian. It is by our
behaviour as good employees that the non-believer may be moved to give glory to
God.
These and other issues such as 'war
work should be cleared with our future employer before binding ourselves to a
contract. A reasonable employer will meet most of our conditions if they are
sensible but we are not in a position to demand. If our conscience will not
allow us to bind ourselves to the conditions of employment then we have to
accept the consequences, remembering that 'God is faithful; He will not let you
be tempted beyond what you can bear1.(12) Industrial Tribunals which deal with
employees' grievances spend much of their time listening to employees trying to
evade the conditions of their contracts. Time spent sorting these issues out
beforehand can be well spent. Your future employer may not have met such
convictions before and a relaxed chat in the early days does much to smooth the
path for the future.
Sexual and racial harassment at work
are current issues. For us there may be the additional problem of religious
intolerance. It is by becoming 'mature,
attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ....no longer ....infants,
tossed back and forth ....... ',(13) that we will be able to face this hurdle.
We must remember that we are paid wages to work and not to preach. We proclaim
Christ by the way we tackle the tasks set before us, the way we show love and
compassion to our colleagues and the way we deal with our managers. Expression
of Christian virtues should command respect not ridicule. If we are being
ridiculed we should look carefully at our behaviour at work.(14)
We could go on listing cause after
cause of stress at work. Much of the stress arises from our limited ability to
deal with change. The business world these days is subject to so much change
that special courses are now laid on by employers to prepare their staff for the
experience and to develop their skills to cope. Managers are taught to listen
and to communicate and staff are encouraged to avail themselves of
participative processes. Time is spent building up team relations. The employer
wants to change his staff from whingeing children to mature adults. (Those of
you who are conversant with Transactional Analysis will recognise the origin of
these terms. Those who wish to know more about this particular analysis of
human behaviour should read 'You're OK I'm OK1 by Thomas Harris. The Christian
will experience no surprises when he attends such a course for he will find the
core material is the content and practice of his own faith.) The object is to
create mature and resilient people, if need be, with the help of counselling
and the support of colleagues.
This objective must be ours too. To
face the stresses at work we must develop the maturity and living skills to be
found in Christ. As we grow we must learn not to be afraid to seek the help of
a sympathetic friend in Christ. When our help is sought by others we should
spend time listening, avoid being judgmental and help to create in those in
need the strength to meet the threats facing them.
The final words must be Paul's for
he of all men learned to cope with change and stress5 'I rejoice greatly in the
Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me ....... I am not saying
this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the
circumstances .....I can do everything through him who gives me strength'.(15)
INDEX TO BIBLICAL REFERENCES
1. I
Peter 2 v 21
2 . Amos 8 vs 4 - 6
3. Romans
7v25-8vl
4. Philippians
4 v 13
5. Hebrews
4 vs 15 - 16
6. Genesis
2 v 15 and 3 v 17
7. II
Thessalonians 3 vs 6 - 10
8. Galatians
6 v 10
9. James
5 v 16
10. I
Timothy 6 v 6
11. James
5 v 12
12. I
Corinthians 10 v 13
13. Ephesians
4 vs 13 - 15
14. I
Timothy 3 v 7
15. Philippians
4 vs 10 – 13
TOWARDS HARMONY IN THE ECCLESIA
Don Graham
From the cowardice that shrinks from new truth,
From the laziness which is content with half-truth,
From the arrogance which thinks it knows all truth,
O God of Truth, deliver me.
THE PRINCIPLE OF LOVE
It is surely true to say that we
have enough difficulty coping with the day-to-day stresses that life serves up
for us, without being assailed by problems from within the brotherhood. From
all directions voices bid us to conform to the pattern of this world which, for
the most part, completely denies God. In joining the Christadelphian community
we have given common assent to certain doctrinal beliefs which separate us from
the mainstream churches and which, in turn, should bind us together in
fellowship and in a way of life in Christ based on the principle of love.
Individually we have responded to
the grace and mercy of God toward us in Jesus and have been bound together in
unity of faith, hope and purpose in him. But, naturally speaking, we are all
kinds of people. We are different shapes and sizes with different temperaments
and intellects; we come from different backgrounds; we have different jobs and
standards of living and we possess different talents; some are extroverts and
others introverts; some are full of confidence whilst others feel inadequate;
some have dominant personalities whilst others are self-effacing. There are
differences in both strengths and weaknesses but we have in common our human
nature with all its imperfections and its inherent proneness to sin.
In writing to the church at
Corinth,(1) Paul compares the believers to the many parts of a body, and
explains that, for the body of Christ to work effectively, there should be
harmony and a realisation of the need for each other. Just as in the physical
body we suffer aches and pains from time to time, so also in the ecclesia we
are confronted by stressful situations and cause for sadness. Pain indicates to
us that something is wrong and that action needs to be taken to find a remedy.
God shapes, grafts and prunes His children. 'The crucible for silver and the
furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart'(2) speaks of a refining process
in order to remove the unwanted dross.
Recently I was involved in a
situation in which a sister suffered a long and painful illness. Her faith was
so tremendous that it enriched the whole ecclesia. In its efforts to give
loving support to the family, both practically and spiritually, the ecclesia
itself was strengthened and blessed, as it became bound together in unity of
purpose in the bonds of the love of Christ. It was a time of stress for all,
but it was of a positive kind.
THE PRESENCE OF CHRIST
It is regrettable that the majority
of stress in the ecclesia is not so positive and is often self-induced. I
believe that there are three main areas in which difficulties arise:
(a) practical issues - order of meetings, administration and use
of funds;
(b) interpretation and application of the Scriptures;
(c) conduct and questions of fellowship.
When differences arise among us in
these areas they can create for some, if not for all, feelings of anxiety and
uncertainty. Sometimes distancing and coldness begin to creep into our
relationships, born of mistrust. Then emotions become fuelled and personalities
involved. Sides are taken and, sadly, anger and gossip are generated. More
often than not, I believe that in these circumstances, peripheral or secondary
issues assume such importance that the 'more important1 matters of brotherly
love, 'justice, mercy and faithfulness'(3) are set aside.
In order to cope with situations of
stress in the ecclesia I believe that we need to reflect on the idea of
offering spiritual sacrifices. This is costly. We may have to relinquish what
hitherto has been a treasured position and humble ourselves, not in the sense
of being weak but rather in love being strong through him who strengthens us.
If we, in turn, are recipients of such gracious help we should accept it, not
in a sense of triumph but humbled by the spirit in which it is given. 'An
offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like
the barred gates of a citadel'.(4)
The presence of Jesus is real. He is
not a 'sleeping partner'(5) but one who is there to come to our aid. Because of
our human nature and self-sufficiency we are not always ready or willing to
accept his help.
With God in the forefront of our
minds we can do no other than wonder at His wisdom and greatness which enable
us to bridge the gulf that exists between the bitterness generated by division
and strife, and the warmth and the rewards of fellowship, unity and love
through our Lord and Saviour.
THE POWER OF PRAYER
Situations arise which involve
talking about very sensitive and personal matters; events may occur which cause
distress and perplexity, even bitterness and anger. When we are called upon to
help or mediate in such cases, we may feel totally inadequate and uncertain.
Experience has taught me that the most essential requirement is to pray and to
keep on praying not only that God will give me the wisdom to say the right
things and to act in a loving and caring way, but also that everyone involved
will be led to find solutions to the problems. We need to be prepared by prayer
but we also need to ensure that the whole counselling session is both governed
by and carried out in an atmosphere of prayer.
If there are times when we are at
loggerheads with someone we need to get down to praying together not just as a
prologue to our discussion but to keep on praying. It leaves less time for
'fighting' and certainly makes it more difficult. To pray together requires that
we are together and that we need to be open and honest with each other and
ready to confess our fears and our feelings. Maybe we would do that
passionately, but above all it would be done in a spirit of brotherly love.
THE PROBLEM OF CRITICISM
The disciples, seemingly, were
justified in their indignant criticism of the woman at Bethany who had, in
their estimation, wasted the contents of a jar of very expensive perfume, by
pouring it over the head of Jesus. After all, the proceeds from its sale could
undoubtedly have been put to good use in alleviating the sufferings of the
poor.(6) This didn't bring a 'Get thee behind me Satan' retort from Jesus but,
'Why are you bothering her?1. The insight of Jesus enabled him to perceive this
as an act of love towards him. We can learn much from this incident. We should
not be deterred by criticism. We can do something from the very best of motives
and still be told that we ought not to have done it or to have done it
differently or better. On such occasions may we hear the Lord's words, 'She did
what she could1. There are occasions, perhaps because of our own fallibility,
when two opposing views can apparently be justified, but the command of Jesus
that we love one another'(8) should be more than sufficient to lead us to
embrace different viewpoints without dissension. I think that we do well to
reflect on the possibility that we may misjudge situations, thereby causing an
innocent party unnecessary stress. The woman who anointed Jesus did what she
could1 and the testimony of Jesus was, 'She has done a beautiful thing to me'.
Our attitudes and how we see things
from a personal point of view are obviously governed by our own particular
personality. Thankfully we are in the course of being transformed into the
likeness of our Master, a process which will not be completed until he comes
again. Accordingly we know that, despite our strivings, total purity of
doctrine and conduct will never be achieved this side of the Kingdom of God.
We have to beware, therefore, that
we do not cast aside a brother or sister, nor pass them by, when we should
really be sharing their problem and journeying with them. The Law through Moses
was legalistic and prescribed a specific course of action in a given situation.
The woman caught in the act of adultery should have been stoned according to
the Law. (8) Thankfully the New Covenant through Jesus is one of unmerited
grace. It is not a rigid catalogue of do's and don'ts but an ideal which
demands from us a far greater and deeper level of commitment because Jesus, in
his law, looks for actions that spring from inward spiritual renewal.
I have read that as a musical note
is to a symphony, or a ball to a game of cricket, so is a neighbour to a
Christian. Why is it then so often the case that, when an apparent weakness is
displayed by a brother or sister, the ecclesia, instead of being the place
where difficulties may be shared, where forgiveness, love, comfort and peace
may be found, where there is a measure of understanding and encouragement,
sometimes becomes the place where burdens are increased and inadequacies
pilloried and exposed? Weaknesses can become accentuated rather than
diminished. We need to bear in mind the words of Jesus to those critical
Pharisees, ‘Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.’
These words should temper the eye of
judgement when we consider the weaknesses of others.
We picture the wounded man who lay
on the Jerusalem to Jericho road.(9) Whilst those who professed God passed by
for fear of becoming unclean, it was the Samaritan who ministered to him. When
any brother or sister or a 'neighbour* is hurt and wounded, we have to be ready
to play the role of the Samaritan, be prepared to set aside our pre-occupations
and prejudices and go to their aid.
THE WAY FORWARD
In many cases of ecclesial stress we
know the steps that should be taken and the attitudes that need to be changed
but we still do not find it easy to proceed, especially if we are likely to
meet opposition.
The Parable of the Loving Father
(10) illustrates the problem. The younger son, the prodigal, returns in a
spirit of sadness and repentance wanting to enjoy once more the love, warmth
and security of the family. He is ready to please and to do all that he can to
make amends for his behaviour. He is anxious to be reconciled to his father and
his family. We can cope with people who are like that. The older brother,
however, is belligerent, aggrieved and resentful. He is convinced that his view
of the situation is right and he is very reluctant to modify that view even in
the light of his father's forgiveness. He forgets that both he and his wayward
but now restored brother are members of the same family on which the father's
love is generously bestowed. The prodigal had learned his lesson and was a
transformed person. The older brother still had much to learn about himself and
his place in the family. It was not going to be easy for him to 'climb down'
and accept the situation, but if he did not then the whole family would be
under stress.
Stress can sometimes be
self-generated and only a programme of self-analysis can remedy it. So .....
* We need to learn to love one another more,
notwithstanding the differences that exist between us.
* We need to recognise the value of differences and that
these need not always lead to negative confrontation.
* We need to be able to pray together in order to break
down any barriers.
* We need to sit together at the feet of Jesus and learn
from him.
* We need to overcome the tendency to be over
preoccupied with trivialities and give greater place in our lives to the 'more
important matters'.(3)
* We need to consider whether we give offence needlessly
and cause stress to ourselves and to others by being awkward and provocative.
If so, there is need for an 'about turn' and a move towards reconciliation.
* We need to be aware of the feelings of others and to
learn to be gentle and patient.
* We need to be less critical in our judgement of others and remember the teaching
of Jesus concerning a 'splinter' and a 'plank'.(11)
* We need, in the interests of unity, to try to suppress our own
feelings and be prepared and willing to yield a treasured position. This does
not mean a compromise.
* We need to humble
ourselves and offer costly spiritual sacrifices to one another and to receive
humbly the gifts of others.
* We need to be
honest, merciful and compassionate, loving with open-eyed wonder,
communicating, sharing, praying, supporting, understanding, caring, forgiving
and accepting forgiveness.
* We need to look to our
Heavenly Father who is the source of all wisdom and strength.
It is possible to search the Scriptures, to
analyse critically, to dot coldly every 'i' and cross every 't' and yet somehow
fail to let the all-important principles enter our very being. So we must
always turn to our lovely Lord and Saviour who is 'the way, the truth and the
life'(12) for all who would come to the Father. 'Peace I leave with you, my
peace I give you. I do not give you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts
be troubled and do not be afraid.'(13) 'Come to me all you who are weary and
burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for
I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my
yoke is easy and my burden is light.'(14)
What a beautiful picture these words convey to
us. As we sense their balm and know the healing that they have for us, may we,
in turn, share one another's burdens with Jesus at our side.
INDEX TO BIBLICAL REFERENCES
1. I
Corinthians 12 v 12
2. Proverbs
17 v 3
3. Matthew
23 v 23
4. Proverbs
18 v 19
5. Matthew
8 vs 24 - 25
6. Mark
14 v 6
7. John
13 vs 34 - 35
8. John
8 vs 2 - 11
9. Luke
10 vs 30-35
10. Luke
15 vs 11 - 32
11. Matthew
7 vs 3 - 5
12. John
14 v 6
13. John
14 v 27
14. Matthew 11 vs 26 -' 30
|
STRESS - SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR COPING
Derrick and Margaret Monk
Stress is something we all think we
have, to a lesser or greater degree, and may be seen by some as a product of
the second half of the 20th Century with its speed of change and rapidity of
communication.
Stress for some can be the trigger
to release energy and motivate actions, but for most of us stress is usually
associated with more negative results. Stressful situations are like a
treadmill - inescapable, unbearable and demoralising. We feel we can't cope a
moment longer, our self-control falters, or gives way, and then we feel guilty
at our own 'failure1.
Yet some people seem able to cope
with today's hectic pace better than others. How do they do it? What strategies
do they employ, consciously or unconsciously, in order to cope. Can we learn
from such people and apply similar techniques ourselves? How do we learn to
cope with 'negative1 stress, while remembering that a strategy that helps one
may not help another?
However, before jumping to
solutions, we need to try and identify the problem. If we can determine some of
the causes, maybe some solutions will become apparent.
For example, the problems of stress
have two obvious main causes - ourselves and other people. We create stress for
ourselves, for instance, by trying to achieve too much in too little time, or
by accepting some activity which we think we would like to have a go at but
which may be beyond our ability to undertake. (Hang-gliding is not for everyone!)
On the other hand, other people make
demands on us which force us into situations which we have difficulty
controlling. Often these demands create pressure upon us because of our
response to the needs of another person. There is, for instance, the close
family tie of a daughter or son caring for an elderly parent, the many demands
of a young family, the demands of a heavy work schedule from our employer, peer
group pressure, pressures within a marriage, etc. until we feel we must blow
our top1.
O.K. TELL GOD. He will listen, and
so will a good friend.
It is, of course, not possible
(sometimes not desirable) to remove all sources of stress from our lives, but
one way of dealing with difficult stress may be to try and take time out and to
sit down with a piece of paper and 'back-track1 through the situation. It isn't
easy to be objective when you are right in the middle of a stressful situation,
but it is not impossible if you are determined to reduce your stress level.
Remember that often the causes of problems may have their roots in unlikely
places and only by careful analysis shall we unearth the real issue.
Write down all the factors which you
recognise as causing you stress, however trivial they may seem when put into
words - little things can often cause the aggravation.
Write down your negative feelings
about the things you have written.
NOW TALK TO GOD ABOUT THEM.
Look again at what you wrote,
perhaps at a different time. Look at each stress factor. What started it? What
kept it going? Could you have modified your feelings? Can you eliminate any of
these causes?
Not every stress factor can be
eliminated, but reducing some of them gives us more energy to cope. Do write
down your ideas - they may help next time. Do try to be objective - was it
really him or her, or was it really me? How could I have 'hosed down* the
situation? Try not to be self-condemnatory - Christ is there to help.
Now look hard at the intractable,
really difficult causes of stress that you can see no way through.
TALK TO GOD AGAIN ABOUT THESE.
Give yourself time to listen and to
reflect.
At this point you might want to
discuss how far you have got with a close friend you can trust. Your friend may
not have any answers either, but it is often therapeutic to 'get it off your
chest1, and two heads are often better than one. Together you may be able to
develop acceptable strategies for tackling the problems.
PRAY TOGETHER
Remember that just as the alcoholic
has to want to be cured and has to work hard at the problem all the time, so the
chronically stressed have to work at their condition and want to be cured of
the debilitating stress habit. ('I love my stress' is not conducive to a cure.)
It must be emphasised that you must make time for yourself. You must find a
place of retreat and a time of retreat for you. This is not selfish. You need
to recharge your batteries! It's also a good idea to make time to do something
you like doing, and don't feel guilty.
Use other people to help and don't
feel guilty about that either - delegate jobs to others, accept offers of help,
ask for help - this makes others feel useful too. Above all things, enjoy your
time to yourself. You then return to the situation refreshed and thinking more
positively. So organise your time carefully, and stick to it.
Too often stress can be caused by
trying too hard to practice self-denial, self-sacrifice and even
self-effacement. These can be negative qualities.
As Christians, we can turn to our
Lord and Master and see how he coped. Stress was part of his every day existence
too. The crowds thronged him, the sick needed him (remember how he felt
'goodness go out of him1?), the leaders argued with him, the disciples
misunderstood him and even deserted him in his hour of greatest stress. Think
of the Garden of Gethsemane and the Crucifixion. None of us has had to face
that sort of stress.
What did Jesus do? He resorted to
prayer, mostly on his own, withdrawing from his disciples and finding some
quiet place away from the stressful situation. There he talked to God about it,
then returned refreshed and ready for the next day's work, the next day's
preaching, the next miracle, etc.
Let
us take courage from his example and accept his recommendation - 'Come with me
by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest!' (Mark 6 v 31)
Pressure's
Product
A diamond
is a piece of coal that made good under pressure.